


Don't Put Your Life at Risk for Me

by pedromiamor



Category: Narcos (TV)
Genre: Angst, Blood and Injury, Cum Eating, Drunk Kissing, Emotional, Emotional Hurt, Falling In Love, Feels, Frottage, Gunshot Wounds, Hair-pulling, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, Infidelity, Injury Recovery, Javi is like depressed, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Major Character Injury, Masturbation, Non-Penetrative Sex, Pain, Pining, Realizations, Sad, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Spit Kink, Wall Shoving, major feels, so am I, steve takes care of him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-11 23:20:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29625552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pedromiamor/pseuds/pedromiamor
Summary: Javier's life is falling apart thanks to one Steve Murphy
Relationships: Connie Murphy/Steve Murphy (Narcos), Steve Murphy/Javier Peña
Comments: 74
Kudos: 62





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> te amo
> 
> please do not attack me there will be more and it will get better

Javier never asked to fall in love. 

Hell, he never thought he'd ever know what love even was.

He knows what love is now, and what falling feels like. It's sitting across from him in a pale blue button-up with a cigarette between pink lips.

Love is Steve Murphy, and Javier Peña was falling.

He'd stumbled the first day Steve walked up to him with those bright eyes and wide smile, his hand reaching out to shake his own. From that moment he knew he was falling and drowning in his gaze. He noticed the little things straight away: the furrow of Steve's brow when he was confused, the quirk of his upper lip whenever Javier spoke Spanish, and the way his nose crinkled when his coffee was too strong. He then picked up on the way he'd drum his fingers on his desk when reading through a file, the deep sighs he'd release when something came up useless, and how he'd started reaching for more cigarettes than he used to. He noticed the important things later, like how his shoulders would slump when he'd had a rough night (they were slumping every day now), at what time of day coffee would turn into whiskey, the increasing lines in his forehead, the depressed demeanor he'd started sporting, and worst of all how dull his eyes had gotten. 

Javier had never known so much about a man before without even asking. He could tell Steve's moods distinctly from each other and at which exact moment they'd change. He could name if Steve had properly eaten the night before by which clothes he wore the next day and if he'd slept at all by how carefully he'd done his hair. He knew Steve used a cologne with base notes of vanilla and amber and with top notes of lavender and bergamot. The scent followed him around all day and haunted him in his bed at night. 

Everything began to remind him of Steve as well. Even the small seemingly insignificant things. The little pond with a fountain he passed on his way home every day reminded him of Steve's blue eyes. The smell of his whiskey reminded him of the way Steve's Adam's apple would move every time he downed his own drink. The soft yellow of the empty vase sitting on his dining table reminded him of Steve's golden hair. The taste of cigarettes reminded him of the way Steve's lips closed around each smoke and the shapes his mouth would make on every exhale. He couldn't even fuck anyone anymore without thinking about the small noises Steve makes whenever he stretches his back.

Javier had almost fainted the day it was so hot that even the inside of the Embassy had everyone sweating. Steve had unbuttoned the top of his shirt and left it open for the entire day. Javier couldn't help himself from staring at the pale flesh of his neck and across the top of his chest. It was flushed a light pink and beads of sweat just kept rolling down the smooth skin. He imagined running his tongue over his exposed flesh and catching every salty trail of sweat, savoring every inch of his delectable skin. He hadn't gotten anything done that day. He'd went home with a dry throat and an embarrassing erection. 

He'd decided a long time ago that nothing was more important than making sure Steve got home safe every night. Catching Escobar was second on his list when it came to Steve. 

Javier would always go ahead of Steve in raids and bust through doors with his gun drawn before the other man could complain. He always gave Steve the only tactical vest he kept in his truck whenever they were out and had to do a quick once over in an area. He never turned his radio off of Steve's channel whenever they got separated, and he always went running to his partner whenever he heard shots. He even abandoned his chase on a sicario that he would've caught just because he knew Steve was in danger. There wasn't anything Javier wouldn't give up to keep him alive. 

The only problem Javier struggled with was that Steve was married. Married happily to a beautiful woman with a little girl they'd quite literally just adopted. Javier could come to terms with the fact that he was in love with a man, with his partner, but he couldn't shake the fast that Steve was entirely off limits. Nothing he could ever say or do would change that fact, and it fucking broke his heart. He'd realized what he felt was love a month after Steve had shaken his hand, and Javier had gone over a year keeping that to himself. He didn't want to jeopardize their friendship or their work, but it hurt like Hell going back to his apartment every night knowing he'd never be able to even have a slice of what he so desired. Nothing stabbed his heart and kept him awake at night more than not being able to call Steve his own.

Javier was painfully and irrevocably in love with Steve Murphy.

"Peña, hey!"

Javier snaps out of the bought of pining he'd trapped himself and focuses on his partner's face in front of him. He's got a cigarette in his hand and a worried face. "What?"

"You okay?" Steve huffs a laugh as he draws in a breath of smoke. "You've been staring at me for the past ten minutes looking like you're constipated."

"I'm fine," he says reaching for his own cigarette, "I just spaced out for a while. Thinking about something."

Steve leans back in his chair and Javier notices a line of sweat down his throat as he knocks back a quarter of whiskey. "What were you thinking?" He's looking at Javier with curious eyes and a relaxed expression. 

"It's nothing important. I think I'm going to head out for the night and maybe try to get some real sleep." 

"Are you sure you're feeling okay?"

Javier shrugs at him as he stands for his jacket, ignoring the worry in Steve's eyes. Looking too long makes his heart clench. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Javier never understood the reason for loving someone if they never loved you back. What point was there in spending your every waking hour thinking of the same person and trying to make them happy? All his efforts of trying to keep Steve safe and bringing him coffee on the mornings he was grumpy were always overlooked by the one person he did them for. The only gratification he ever received was Steve's sweet smile. Everything else was blocks of cinder crushing his heart into nothing. He would never compare to the things Connie gave him. Connie made him happy, gave him a new family, and held all of his love while Javier was nothing but an asshole he had to deal with at work.

He hated himself for not being enough. 

Javier's halfway through a bottle of amaretto when he realizes he's not going to get any sleep tonight. There's an ashtray full of cigarette butts sitting in front of him and some sport's program on the TV. He doesn't know what they're playing or who's winning. He keeps spacing out like he did earlier and getting lost in thoughts of Steve's lips on his skin or his hands pulling on his hair. He can't close his eyes without imagining Steve spread underneath him, his body all flushed, and begging Javier for some sort of relief. He can't even escape him through a bottle of liquor. 

An uneven knock at his door rips him from his thoughts. He quickly puts out his cigarette with a glance toward the clock. It's almost midnight. 

He opens the door to find an almost heartbreaking sight. It's Steve, but not any version of Steve he's ever seen before. His hair is the complete opposite of neat and his shirt is all rumpled with the top buttons undone. His beautiful blue eyes are red rimmed and shiny from obvious tears. Dried trails of tears paint his pink cheeks. Javier wants to throw up. "What happened?" he chokes out. A burning wall of his own tears pushes up his ducts as he feels an overwhelming fear of whatever put Steve in this state. 

Steve sniffles and wipes his wrist under his nose. "Let me in," he says weakly.

Javier quickly moves to the side and carefully watches Steve as he wobbles in. He doesn't smell like bergamot and vanilla. He smells like he just drank an entire fucking liquor store. "Are you drunk?" 

"Doesn't matter."

Steve doesn't look at Javier as he stands there swaying on his feet. "Do you want to sit down? I can get you a glass of-"

"You listen to me," he says quickly. He finally meets Javier's eyes again. They look conflicted, sad, and in pain all at the same time. "I only came here for one thing, and I don't want your fucking water."

Javier puts his hands up to plead with him. "I'm just trying to help. You don't look well. Will you tell me what happened? What did you come here for?"

Steve's face morphs into something unreadable as a few more tears slip from his eyes. "To see if it's real," he whispers brokenly. 

Javier blinks at him with a spreading ache in his heart. "What are you talking about?" Steve tries to take a step but stumbles forward. Javier steadies him in an instant with his hands gripping his upper arms. "You're starting to scare me Murphy. What's going on?"

Steve stares at him with a whimsical look in his eyes and his mouth slightly open. His hands reach slowly to cover Javier's ears with his calloused palms. The touch makes him shiver, and he feels the tips of Steve's fingers twirling around in his hair. "My Jabi. You're so pretty up close."

Javier blushes at the words and feels his dick stir at the way Steve slurred his name. He lets out a nervous laugh, trying to pull away slightly. "Why don't I walk you upstairs? I'm sure Connie is wondering where you're at." Steve tightens his grip on Javier's head and pulls him back to where he was before. "Murph-" he loses what he was going to say when Steve moves his hand to slide his thumb over his bottom lip. Steve's not even looking at him anymore. He's staring at Javier's lips with an unbridled want that stirs a storm in his stomach. Steve licks his lips messily and starts leaning forward. Javier's heart rate picks up, and he uses everything he has in him to place a firm hand to Steve's chest. "No," he warns, "you don't want to do that."

Steve tries to push himself further into Javier to reach his lips. "I have to." 

Javier pushes against his chest. He doesn't let go of him in fear of him losing his balance again. "Why do you have to kiss me?"

Steve makes a noise and wipes his teary face against his shoulder. He tries again, but Javier's hand is strong in keeping him away. "I came here to find out. Let me kiss you."

Javier frowns at him. "You're not making any fucking sense. You're drunk and you're going to regret being in this situation in the morning."

"I need to kiss you."

"You can go upstairs and kiss your wife. You don't need-" 

A sudden gasp escapes Javier's throat when Steve pulls the back of his hair hard. His head falls back at the touch, accidentally letting his guard down and making it easy for Steve to get to him. Lips find his own in a messy kiss that's half tongue and half tasting of whiskey. He immediately moans into the kiss because it's fucking Steve, and his hands are still pulling on his hair. Steve's nose is harshly bumping against his and teeth bite down roughly on Javier's bottom lip. A hand reaches down to cup the growing bulge in Javier's jeans, spreading a burning pleasure all through his abdomen. A whimper escapes him at the touch. "See? You needed it too," Steve murmurs against his lips. 

Javier immediately seizes the hand palming his crotch and shoves Steve off of him, letting him stumble to the floor. He feels dirty and so good at the same time. His lips are tingling and wet from Steve's tongue. His taste lingers in his mouth. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" he asks wiping the saliva from his mouth. He doesn't sound angry. He sounds pained because that was the closest he's ever felt to happiness, and disappointed because he knows it's never going to happen again. 

Steve mutters something incomprehensible and falls back onto the floor with his arms spread out. He's snoring within seconds. 

Javier has to wipe his palms across his jeans and lick his lips several times before he's able to even step forward. Steve just messily made out with him for a solid minute before grabbing his dick and then passing out. Two of those three things were star features in his everyday fantasies, so excuse him if he's at a loss. He finally picks Steve up from the floor and carries him up to his own apartment, trying his best to hold back tears the whole way. Javier's never going to forget what happened, and it's going to torture him for the rest of his life. 

Connie seems surprised when she opens the door to find her husband snoring in Javier's arms, but she shows him the way to the bedroom anyhow. Javier lays him gently in the bed and takes the liberty of removing Steve's shoes before tucking him into the comforters. He says goodnight and returns to his own bedroom, hoping that Connie didn't see the erection he'd been sporting.

Javier angrily jerks off to thoughts and remembrances of Steve's touch when he returns to his apartment. It hurts him every time he ashamedly does this because he knows it's wrong and disgusting to get off to thoughts of your married best friend. He can't help the little noises that escape his mouth and tiny cries of wanting those lips back on his. He comes with a gasp, biting back the urge to say Steve's name, and goes to wash his hand in the bathroom sink. He sits on the edge of his mattress again with his head in his hands. 

Javier cries himself to sleep with the ghost of Steve's drunken lips haunting him. 

Neither of them say a word to each other at work the next day. Steve looks like a hungover mess that got left outside to die overnight and Javier know his eyes are still red. He feels weak and utterly heartbroken. Javier had everything he ever wanted from Steve last night, but it was all too short and so wrong. 

Javier spends most of his day in the file cabinet room for two reasons: rarely anyone goes in there and it's far away from Steve. He can't stand to look at him for another minute or smell his stupid cologne. It makes his head swim with too many unpleasant and hurtful thoughts. He'd never be good enough for that man. 

Javier's mindlessly flipping through something when the door opens. He doesn't look up or even pay attention to it. It's probably just one of the Colombian officers anyway. His thoughts prove him incorrect when a hand slides up the back of his neck and pulls his hair harshly, that pitying noise escaping his mouth again. He drops the file in his hands when lips capture his own in a biting kiss. Javier doesn't have to open his eyes to know who they belong to. He can smell the bergamot and remembers the intoxicating taste of Steve's warm mouth. He pulls himself together quicker this time, only allowing Steve to manhandle him for a few seconds before he's shoving him against the wall. Steve lets out a grunt when his back hits the hard surface and shivers under Javier's menacing glare. 

"Quit fucking pulling my hair."

"You like it."

Javier shoves him against the wall again, feeling Steve's hands tighten around the front of his shirt. "What are you trying to get at?"

Steve looks smug pinned against the wall and it makes Javier want to punch his stupid face. How dare he continuously mess with his heart. "I couldn't stop thinking about it. The kiss. I dreamt of kissing you again and all day I've just been dozing off with the thought of your lips. You taste like almonds and whiskey. I can't get it off my tongue."

Javier has to hold back the urge to just smother him with his mouth. He has to be angry with him. He's married. "Why?"

Steve's face softens as he licks his lips. "I've been feeling things for a while. I drank because I can never get you off my mind, and I needed to kiss you to make sure that what I felt was real. It is Javi. God, it's so fucking real and I'm addicted."

Javier has to take a deep breath and use everything in him to keep his wall from breaking. His heart wants to burst. This is all wrong. "What do you want from me?"

"I just want you to be happy. I know you feel it too." His eyes are pleading.

Javier shakes his head as he looks down at their bodies barely touching. "I can't. I can't have what will make me happy. It already belongs to someone else." His words are hollow and full of pain. 

Steve tugs gently on the strands at the base of Javier's neck, listening to the way it makes him purr. "Why can't you have it? Why won't you let yourself be happy?"

"You're married. You already have a family." Javier's voice is small and barely being held together. 

"Family's don't always last forever Javier."

"Don't put your life at risk for me."

Steve tightens his hold on Javier and forces him to meet his eyes. "Then tell me you do feel it too. Tell me you love me." Steve's eyes are wide and almost helpless.

A small sob escapes Javier's throat as he shakes his head. He won't let Steve throw his entire life away for him. He's not worth it.

"Tell me," he pleads. He leans forward to place a soft kiss at the corner of Javier's mouth. "Please."

He holds onto Steve for a second longer, breathing in his scent and reveling in the breath ghosting across his lips, before he pulls away shaking his head. "I can't," he cries.

It takes everything Javier has left to walk out of that room.

Tears streaming down his face.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> es hora de llorar
> 
> tw: blood but not too much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sorry i hurt you so much in the first chapter
> 
> will i do it again?<3

Javier never asked to fall in love. 

He never asked to deal with the heartbreak that followed or how hard it was to forget something you only briefly had. 

It hurt him worse than it had before. He only ever imagined how it'd feel to be with Steve. Now he knew, and it broke his fucking heart.

Javier had left Steve alone in that file cabinet room and went straight to his apartment. He buried himself in his blankets and didn't come out the rest of the night. He could feel the ghosts of Steve's fingers tugging at his hair and the smell of bergamot haunted his nose. The worst part was the lingering taste of that hot mouth on his, licking his tongue and tingling his lips. He couldn't get rid of his taste. Not with a bottle of the strongest whiskey or an entire pack of cigarettes. 

He couldn't shake the sadness and desperation of Steve's eyes as he pleaded with him in that file cabinet room. 

He never asked to fall in love. 

Love was Steve Murphy, and Javier Peña is still falling. 

Javier doesn't go to work the next day. He knows he wouldn't be able to handle it. He remains in bed for most of the day until his back starts hurting from being curled in on himself. He doesn't cry, there isn't a single drop of tears left in him, and he doesn't bother eating. He can't. His entire body is just too damn nauseous. He moves to his couch to stare out the window while some cheesy program plays in the background. He eventually turns it off because the romance of their fake relationship is putting a strain on his fragile heart. Everything reminds him too much of Steve.

He watches the birds from his window and admires the overgrown plants hanging off the balconies of the complex across the street until the sun disappears from the sky. There's a faint knock on his door sometime later into the night. He ignores it until he hears footsteps walking away.

Neither of them speak directly to the other during work. They sit at their respective desks and keep everything to themselves. Javier refuses to look at Steve and keeps a cup of coffee almost directly under his nose all morning to avoid having to smell that intoxicating cologne. He can feel Steve's stare on him, it's distracting, but thinking of the pain it'd cause to look up keeps Javier where he is. 

They do this for next few days, dancing around and avoiding each other at all costs. Their thoughts were loud and voices silent. Javier realizes he's never been so quiet in his life. It's awkward, sitting there with his head down the entire day and having to time his coffee break so he didn't have to stand next to Steve at the pot. He'd go sit in his truck over lunch and smoke in the heat. Anything to stay away from him. The punch of his stare and the sting of his voice hurt Javier more than it ever had. It wasn't any easier when he went back to his apartment every night. At work he tried his best to stay away from Steve. At home he yearned to be near him. 

Sundays are the worst days for Javier. His days off.

Being around Steve was bad enough, but being alone in his apartment for an entire day with nothing to do except think about Steve was pure torture. He could stave off most of the emotions while at work through distractions and actually having to do a job, only dealing with his troubles at night in bed. It was harder to keep his fantasies and pine fests away when there was nothing but cheap whiskey and tragic television to keep him entertained. He didn't have any good distractions on Sundays, and that's why he hated them. They were the days that lasted the longest and hurt the most. 

A knock at the door doesn't startle Javier out of his thoughts or take his attention away from the cigarette he's smoking. He'll just ignore it until it goes away. That's what he'd done every other night. 

Except the knock won't go away. It keeps coming in louder raps, unlike the uneven and quieter ones of Steve, and he's starting to grow impatient. Can't the guy just give him a fucking break?

"Javier?" That's not Steve. It's Connie.

Javier opens the door with disinterest in his face, trying to hide the slight worry behind his eyes. "Yeah?"

Connie's standing there with clear irritation. Olivia's in her arms. "I'm taking Olivia out with me to meet my friend Laura at the park. Steve was supposed to come with but he's not feeling well."

Javier waits for her to continue. She doesn't. He raises a brow and says, "So?"

"Something's been eating at him all week, and I can't figure out what it is. He says he doesn't want to talk about it. Did anything happen at work recently? He usually doesn't act this rattled but it's starting to worry me."

Javier shrugs, trying to keep his expression indifferent. He'd noticed that Steve hadn't been eating or sleeping as well as he used to, even if that standard wasn't good to begin with. He knew what was wrong with Steve, but he couldn't tell Connie that. "Nothing's happened that I'm aware of. It's actually been pretty slow this last week."

Connie sighs, shifting Olivia on her hips. "Could you just go talk to him while I'm gone? He opens up to you more about this work stuff, and you understand it better than I do. He doesn't even want to get out of the bed, and he's drinking more."

Javier narrows his eyes at her. There was no way he was going to talk with Steve. He'd probably get his dick grabbed again and end up crying about it later. Steve was a fucking parasite feeding on his heart. "I don't know what you want me to do. You're his wife. I'm sure you can figure something out. I have stuff to get done so maybe I'll see you later."

Javier's turning and closing the door, but Connie reaches a hand out to hold it open. "He woke up screaming your name last night." Javier stops with his back toward Connie. He can't do this right now. He just wants to escape. "He wouldn't stop crying and didn't go back to sleep. He hasn't said a word to me all morning, so I think you should go talk to him. Please." 

Javier doesn't reply or move, but he knows Connie left his doorway a long time ago. Part of him wants to close the door and return to the company of his cigarettes and whiskey bottle. The other part of him wants to give Steve any type of reassurance or comfort that he can. Javier's love wasn't just about keeping Steve physically alive. He had to make sure he wasn't dying on the inside too. He couldn't let that light disappear from the eyes that haunted him, and he couldn't leave his partner to choke in the dust. Even if that means setting his own emotional health to the side. Steve was everything, and Javier was nothing.

He closes his door and climbs the steps two at a time.

Javier doesn't bother knocking, walking straight inside and to the coffee pot. If Steve really is still in bed then he's going to want coffee, and Javier knows he'll need a cup too in order to just distract himself. He starts the pot, placing his hands on the counter, and waits for it to brew.

"I thought you were-oh." Javier turns to find Steve standing in only his underwear in the doorway to his bedroom. He folds his arms over his chest as his eyes turn sad and pained. "What are you doing here?" His tone is accusing, like Javier was the one who'd made all the mistakes in the past week. He knows he hurt Steve by refusing to give in, but Steve had been entirely unfair to him in all those situations. 

"Your wife sent me. She's worried about you." Javier turns back to the coffee pot. He's finding it hard to keep his will strong with Steve standing there almost naked. 

"And? Are you here as my coworker or as my friend?"

"Both." He's pouring the coffee now into two separate mugs and fishing the creamer out of the fridge. Steve never drinks it black. 

"What do you want?"

Javier takes a sip of Steve's coffee to make sure the proportions are right and turns back to him. He notices right away how thick Steve's arms and thighs are with muscle. It's tantalizing, seeing him standing there like that, and Javier wants nothing more than to fully undress him and kiss every inch of his body. "For you to get dressed then come join me on the couch." 

"And if I don't?"

Javier grabs the two mugs of coffee, taking them over to the couch. "You will."

Steve comes out of his room a few minutes later with jeans and a pale yellow polo on. His hair is still messy and his face tired. He sits next to Javier on the couch with a reasonable amount of distance between them, reaching for his coffee on the table. There's something playing on the TV, but neither of them are really watching. Javier can feel the tension itching around them both and making his bones shiver. The silence is uncomfortable, almost unbearable, but he has no idea what to say.

Steve eventually lets out a sigh and lights a cigarette at his lips. "I know you didn't come here to sit on my couch and drink coffee Peña." Javier almost cringes at the way he says his last name. It sounds like poison dripping from his lips. He likes it better when he calls him Javi.

"I told you your wife sent me up here."

"You know that's bullshit. You won't even answer the door anymore." 

Javier knows Steve is watching him, can feel his stare burning his skin, but he doesn't take his eyes or attention of the mug of coffee in his hands. It'd be too difficult to face the expression of sadness he can hear in Steve's voice. "Because I know it's always you."

Steve makes an exasperated noise in his throat, leaning forward to put out his cigarette. "Listen, if this is about the file-"

"I didn't come here to talk about the fucking file room Murphy." Javier finally looks at Steve reproachfully. The bags under his eyes are heavy and his hands clenching at his sides. He can only hold his gaze for a few seconds before the hurt in his eyes makes him turn away. Steve looks like he's in pure agony, and it's all Javier's fault. "Tell me about your nightmare."

"I didn't have-"

"Connie said you woke up screaming my name." He says it quietly, like he's afraid that raising his voice any louder would break either one of their walls. He doesn't want to fight. He doesn't want to argue. He just wants Steve to stop hurting his heart with every waking second of the day. "Please. Just tell me about it, then I'll leave."

Steve doesn't say anything for a long while. Javier goes back to focusing on his coffee until the mug's empty. He wants to get up and refill it, but he's afraid Steve will think he's leaving instead. An unlit cigarette poking into his arm steals his attention away from his lack of caffeine. Steve's not looking at him, but he's offering a cigarette and has a lighter in his other hand. Javier takes it, putting it between his lips and leaning forward so it can be lit. He takes a long pull of smoke and holds it in his lungs for a few long seconds before blowing it out. He sinks back into the cushions of the couch, keeping a careful eye on Steve as he lights his own cigarette. He likes the way his fingers flex when he moves them and how his lips fit around the cigarette butt. It's enough to drive him feral. 

Steve takes the empty mug from Javier's hands along with his own and ventures back into the kitchen. Javier watches him from the couch, noticing the tension in his shoulders and the way his limbs look like they're being weighed down by something heavy. He returns with full mugs, and Javier can clearly taste the whiskey he's added to the coffee. Steve finishes his cigarette before relaxing back into the cushions. The air around them is still tense, but he's sitting closer to Javier now. 

"It wasn't anything important. I have the same one occasionally, but this time was different. It hurt more."

"Tell me." His voice is soft, gentle. He wants Steve to know that he's there for him and that he cares. What happened between them doesn't matter right now. It's just about comforting him. His fingers itch to reach out and grab Steve's hand.

"It's just one of those standard raids we go on all the time. You weren't wearing a vest for some reason, and someone caught you off guard. Clipped you from behind." He lets out a humorless laugh, and Javier notices the thin layer of tears brimming his eyes. "You went down in a heartbeat. I couldn't even do anything. I just stood there like a fucking idiot and there was blood. God, so much fucking blood. I couldn't look at you. All that was left was a lump of blood-stained clothes and vacant eyes. It scared the shit outta me Jav. Who dreams that kind of stuff?"

Javier knew this routine. He had recurring nightmares of Steve innocently falling at the hands of a sicario since the first day the guy shook his hand at the Embassy. Watching Steve die was Javier's biggest weakness. He had to deal with that scenario more nights than others, and by deal he meant nurse a bottle of whiskey. He'd show up to work drunk sometimes already having smoked an entire pack of cigarettes before he could even see Steve's face and reassure himself that his partner was just fine. So yeah, Javier knew this routine. Probably better than most.

Loving Steve was a nightmare. 

"Well in case you didn't notice, I'm sitting right beside you alive and healthy." A small smile graces Steve's lips, and Javier decided it's the best thing he's seen all week. "I've dealt with my fair share of nightmares. I know how bad and how real they can get."

"What do you dream about?"

Javier couldn't answer that. He couldn't tell Steve that he went to bed every night with thoughts of his lips upon him and woke up screaming when those lips turned into blood. He couldn't tell him he'd watched him die in every way imaginable and had to feel the pain of it all over again when he finally woke up. He was willing to accept that Steve had nightmares of him dying, but he wasn't willing to admit that Steve was the main character in every one of his. 

He takes a long drink from his coffee before answering. "I dream about a lot of things. You just need to find something to take your mind off them in the morning."

"That why you come to work drunk all the time?" Javier doesn't have to look at Steve to see his scrutinizing eyes. He can hear it in his voice. "Don't think I don't notice," he says quieter. A hand finds it's way to Javier's thigh, making him close his eyes and turn his head from Steve. "You worry me." His touch is warm and reassuring, but keeps slowly moving further up his leg. 

He covers Steve's hand firmly with his own, squeezing it tightly to stop his movements. "Murphy," he warns. 

"Can I at least hold your hand then? Just for a little while." He should say no. He should get up and just leave. But Javier reluctantly looks back to Steve's eyes, sees the desperation and the worry there, and he just can't say no. He nods slowly, removing Steve's hand from his thigh, and allows him to adjust so their palms meet and fingers thread together. Steve inches closer so the only space between them is their joined hands. Javier turns back to the TV and drinks his coffee. 

They stay like this for what seems like hours to Javier. He finished his coffee a long while ago and made no move to get any more. He wanted to stay like this forever. Next to Steve's warmth with his hand in his (even if it was now sweaty) and just the contentedness of being close. He could live on this couch forever in happiness. Happiness he doesn't deserve with an already married man. 

"Javi?" He squeezes Steve's hand to show he's listening. "Can I hug you?"

Javier hesitates. "Steve-"

"Please." He doesn't say anything in reply. He's already lost all of his battles of pushing Steve away today. This one won't matter either. 

Steve's other hand comes up to smooth over Javier's collarbone then over his shoulder until his hand is resting flat between his shoulder blades. He gives him a small crooked smile and pulls him into his own chest. Javier's sigh is almost immediate. His hands come up to wrap around Steve's waist and the smell of bergamot washes over him. Steve's embrace is so warm and comforting, it makes every one of Javier's demons flee. He doesn't think about Steve's face pressed into his neck or how Steve's knee is digging into his waist. It's a weird position on the couch, but it's the safest he's felt in a very long time. 

"I meant everything I said," comes a small voice from his neck. "I just want you to be happy, and you're not right now. You haven't been."

Javier's fingers dig into the skin at Steve's sides. He doesn't want to talk about this. "I won't be happy either way. Nothing you do will change that." Steve's hand slides up to Javier's neck. He plays with the small strands there, only lightly tugging occasionally. He knows how crazy it drives Javier. "Don't," he tries, "don't put your life at risk for me. I can't live with that."

Steve noses lightly at Javier's jaw. "The only thing I'm risking is losing you. Nothing else matters to me. I want to have you. I yearn to have you. I'm willing to throw it all away for you Javi."

Javier's eyes are shut again mostly to keep the tears at bay. He can't have him. He can't have Steve's love. "Your family are the people who need you. I won't take you from them."

"Why won't you listen? Why can't you accept that I love you Javier? I've never loved anyone more. Connie never gave me the amount of butterflies or happiness that you do. I want you."

Steve moves from his perch against Javier's collarbone to find his lips. He barely makes any contact before Javier's shoving him into the arm of the couch with a hand harshly around his throat. "Stop," he cries. He immediately loosens his grip and presses his forehead barely against Steve's. "Stop kissing me, or I'm afraid I'll kill myself with how much it hurts after."

Javier removes himself from the couch and leaves the apartment despite Steve's pleas.

The following day at work is a little less than painful.

Steve seems to act as if nothing happened, bringing Javier coffee and even saying a few words to him. He finds this as an improvement from the last week because the office isn’t as unbearable or achingly hollow. He did, however, feel drained from their previous emotional episode and didn't feel much engaged in what was going on. He kept spacing off and falling asleep at his desk. Not even the cigarettes were working. Steve seemed to notice and kept bringing him more coffee whenever he ran out. He even asked Javier if he was alright. He had responded with a no.

Javier is on his way to go sit in his truck over the lunch period when Steve grabs his arm. Javier flinches slightly in fear of him grabbing his hair again or smothering him in the hallway. "Sorry," Steve says softly, "I just wanted to catch you before you disappeared. I didn't mean..." He trails off and let's go of Javier's arm. He looks sheepish standing there with an light flush of embarrassment in his cheeks. He looks at Javier with a sad smile and rubs his hands together. "Do you want to go to lunch?"

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Please Jav. You can pick the place and I'll pay. I just-I miss what we had before I fucked it all up. We don't have to talk about anything at all. Just lunch."

Javier thinks about it for a few long seconds. Part of him wants to forget Steve ever even existed, but the other part never wants to let him go. He finally nods and feels a flash of warmth at Steve's smile. They're driving through the streets of Colombia toward Javier's favorite restaurant when Steve abruptly grabs the front of his shirt. "Peña stop." He's looking out the window at something, so Javier pulls over and parks the car. Steve points at something down the alleyway. "Is that who I think it is?"

Javier squints in the direction that Steve's pointing and his eyes suddenly widen. "Fuck Murphy." He scrambles around in the backseat of his truck and pulls out a tactical vest that he shoves at Steve. "Put that on. We're going in." They both pull their guns and exit the truck. Javier pulls his radio out and speaks quietly into it. "I got eyes on Poison and La Quica down the alley behind Laura's Bakery. Agents Peña and Murphy making the advance." He nods to Steve as they take both corners of the alley entrance. "I got Poison. You hit La Quica. And Murphy?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't get shot. You promised me lunch."

Javier goes in first like always. He stays low to avoid being seen and keeps his gun drawn. He scans for any other sudden movements and notes that both sicarios are talking to an older man standing in the back doorframe of the bakery. He can hear Steve behind him, slowly crunching dirt under his shoes. He prays to whoever's out there that Steve walks away unharmed. They're only fifty yards away when there’s a sudden shout from a windowsill above them. Poison shoves the old man out of the way, darting through the back door of the bakery while La Quica tries escaping down the other side of the alley. 

Javier immediately tears after Poison, barreling through the back of the bakery. He follows a trail of knocked over equipment until he barely sees him exiting the store's front. He can already feel the sweat running down his back and the fast beat of his heart as he jumps over the bakery's front counter to follow him out. He's weaving through people left and right and hurdling over shop stands that are getting thrown over. He almost loses him in a crowd that's gathered in the middle of the road, but catches the flash of his gun as he turns down another alleyway. Javier catches the corner and turns down the same alley. He's suddenly blown back by a force that makes him stumble to the ground. A searing pain is blossoming through his entire abdomen as his vision slightly blurs. Poison is standing above him with his gun drawn and pointed directly at Javier. 

Javier looks down and sees the blood already seeping out of the front of his shirt. He clamps a hand over the bullet wound in the right side of his abdomen as he looks back up. Poison has vanished. 

A cough rises from the bottom of Javier's throat and out comes a tiny splatter of blood. He presses his hand harder against his stomach and half drags himself to the brick wall of the alleyway. He leans against it with his head thrown back. This hurts. Everything hurts. The entire lower half of his body is in a numbing pain, his abdomen feels like there's a fucking sword through him, and his chest is constricting with the need to breath. He fishes for his radio and holds it close to his mouth. "Necesito una ambulancia en la esquina del Carpincho ahora. Agent Peña is down," he breathes. 

Falling in love with Steve Murphy was the only thing that hurt worse than this. 

All Javier can taste is blood. It's in the base of his throat, caught in his esophagus, and peppered in his mouth. He keeps coughing bits of it up and almost choking. His lungs burn with every breath. His hands are shaking embarrassingly against his abdomen as he tries to stop the blood flow as much as possible. His head keeps lolling in different directions and his vision going out of focus. A hand on his shoulder makes his head snap up again. He groans loudly. 

"Javi? Javi it's Steve. The ambulance is coming, I promise. You hold on okay?" He sounds frantic, like someone's about to die. Is Javier dying? He can't remember what's going on. "Let me press your stomach okay? You're getting weak. You've lost a lot of blood." He feels hands grab hold of his shaking ones and then there's a firm pressure on his stomach. He blinks his eyes rapidly and sees worried blue eyes in front of his face. He knows those eyes. He loves those eyes. 

"Steve," he breathes with a lazy smile spreading through his face. That's right. He's been shot.

"Yeah. Yeah Jav, it's Steve. I'm going to take care of you."

Javier makes a noise as more blood coughs its way up his throat. "Because you love me?"

A shaky laugh escapes Steve's throat. He hasn't taken his teary eyes off of Javier once. "Yes because I love you." Javier hums, feeling himself falling forward. He doesn't have the energy to stay up against the wall. Steve catches him and pushes him back up. "Hey!" His eyes feel so droopy he could just sleep. "Don't you die on me Javier!" A firm slap on his cheek makes Javier shake his head and open his eyes again. A small trail of blood is leaking from his lips. "You have to stay with me. I promised you lunch, remember?"

Javier looks down at his stomach again. His clothing is all soaked with red. So are Steve's hands. "Oh," he says. 

"Don't look at that. Just look at me. Only look at me Javi." Javier raises his head again to meet Steve's eyes. Tears are streaming down his face. "You have such a pretty face Jabi. Don't close your eyes."

Javier nods, licking his lips. All he can taste is blood. "You need to kiss me."

"No. No, you said no kissing. Remember?"

"One more. One last time."

Steve lets out a sob. "Don't say that to me. It's not the last time. I still have to take you to lunch. We can do it then. After you get better."

Javier shakes his head and wipes his arm over his bloody lips. "One last time Steve."

Steve chokes back everything he wants to let out right now and leans just slightly forward to kiss Javier. Javier's lips barely move against his. He pulls back after a few seconds and sees the pained happiness over Javier's face. "You just wait a few more minutes then we can do that all you want. I promise. Just don't close your eyes on me."

Javier's bloodied hand grabs onto Steve's arm as he fixes him with a stare. "You told me to tell you. To say it."

Steve shakes his head. "What?"

Another cough rises from Javier's throat and a longer line of blood drips down from his lips. "I think about you every night and day. You took my heart and you took my pride away. I can't break free from all the things that you do. I try to walk away but I always run back to you. That's why..."

The grip on Steve's arm loosens. Steve tries shaking him. "Javi! Come on sweetheart don't do that. That's why what?" Javier makes another noise as he blindly reaches for Steve's arm again. "That's why what? You can tell me."

Javier grasps at Steve's arm and meets his eyes. They're so wet and full of excruciating pain. He never wants to see them like that again. He opens his mouth to speak but only more blood comes out. It's dribbling over his lips and down his chin. He feels cold. "That's why I hate myself for loving you."

Steve's face scrunches into something as he lets out a whimper. "Jav..." Steve's head perks up at the sound of the ambulance sirens. He turns his head so he can see them pull up. "You heart that? They're coming to save you Javi. You're going to be okay."

He only turns back when there's no answer. 

Javier's hands slip from Steve's arm limply.

"Javi?"

His head lolls further to the side.

"No, no, no."

Another trail of blood escapes his mouth.

"Stay with me."

Steve watches Javier's eyes flutter closed with a cry upon his lips.

"Javi!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please comment reading them makes me happy
> 
> tomorrow (the 24) is my birthday
> 
> I have realized i do not deserve birthday wishes after writing this. am crying alone in my room


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> es hora de amar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry this took me so long i hate myself for it :(
> 
> pleasing you guys is my favorite thing

Javier never asked to fall in love.

It made him warm and fuzzy, tingling his spine with voluminous happiness. It also made his chest hollow and lungs constrict with the need to breathe. His love was pure and bliss, but it was also fire that burned thoroughly throughout his entire body. 

Loving someone you could never have was the worse pain imaginable by any person’s standards. One second you’re smiling and feeling millions of flowers blooming all inside your body, and the next you’re deep in a pit of scorching pain with the nightmare of a face you’ll never be able to call your own. Love was a torture and a sacrifice. 

No one was safe from the reaches of love. 

Love is Steve Murphy, and Javier Peña just couldn’t stop falling. 

Javier must be in Heaven. It has to be. 

The first thing he notices is how bright it is. He can’t open his eyes without the burning vision of white. The second thing he notices is how lethargic and heavy his body feels. He tries to move his arms and sit upright, but it’s like his entire body is being weighed down. The third thing he notices is the warmth encompassing his body. It seeps into his bones, calming every nerve, and delights him in an overwhelming serenity. The last thing he notices is the smell of bergamot and vanilla. It’s right under his nose, pleasant and persistent, and gives him the feeling of just coming home to run into Steve’s arms.

Javier blinks a few times before he’s accustomed to the brightness of wherever he is and focuses on his surroundings. The entirety of the room is white - the walls, the ceiling, the chair in the corner, even the door - and be realizes he’s laying on a small and uncomfortable bed. He tries twisting his body but immediately stops when a sharp pain shoots through his stomach. 

“Fuck,” he chokes out. His voice is hoarse, making him realize just how damn thirsty he is. Sudden visions of teary blue eyes and the faint taste of copper in his mouth makes Javier remember what the fuck is going on. 

He was shot. 

This isn’t Heaven. It’s the fucking hospital.

A small weak smile creeps its way over Javier’s face. He’s not dead, and he kept Steve safe. That’s all he ever wanted. 

Something twitching against his hand steals Javier’s attention from the ceiling. He lifts his head from the bed to look down the length of his body and lets out a soft whimper. Steve is there, sitting on a chair pulled up to the very edge of bed. His head is laying over Javier’s collarbone, and one of his arms is thrown across his chest. He feels his fingers clutching at his side, pulling him closer, and feels his breath hitch when he realizes one of his hands is in Steve’s. He tilts his head so his cheek is pressing against the soft golden strands of his hair and shivers at the tickle of Steve’s nose and mustache against his neck. 

A sudden swell in his chest causes a shaky gasp to escape Javier’s mouth, and he’s not surprised at the hot tears spilling from his eyes only moments later. He keeps them quiet to not wake Steve, but feels his body shaking with the terror of never seeing his partner’s face again. He doesn’t think as he presses a kiss to the top of Steve’s head and wipes the tears from his face. His eyes start to droop as a wave of exhaustion washes over him (probably from the pain medication) but tries focusing when someone walks into the room. 

"Oh, you're awake." Her voice is soft, and Javier can vaguely make out that she's a nurse. "That's some worried friend you got there," she says motioning at Steve. Javier put his cheek back against his head as she continues. "He hasn't left the room since you got here."

Javier frowns and lightly squeezes the hand threaded in his. "How long was I out?" His voice is still scratchy, but he doesn't want to jostle Steve by clearing his throat. 

"Almost three days. You lost a lot of blood. You're lucky the bullet didn't harm any of your vital organs. It grazed your gallbladder, so we had to remove that. Otherwise you're fine. Since you're awake now you can be discharged later today. We want the stitches to stay in for the next two weeks. Once they come out we can see what kind of work you're ready to return to. Your partner offered to drive you home as well. He's a bit of a hassle, isn't he?"

Javier furrows his brows at her. "What do you mean?"

The nurse checks Javier's IV and writes something down on the clipboard in her hands. She flashes him a small smile. "I had to call security to restrain him. He refused to leave the operating room so we could do the surgery. He said he couldn't leave you alone." She winks at him before leaving the room. It falls quiet again, the only sound being Steve's soft snoring. It tickles Javier's neck but keeps the small smile stuck on his face. 

He takes his free arm and hugs it around Steve's shoulders, pulling him closer. He tightens his grip on the hand in his and finally closes his drooping eyes. He doesn't have Steve to call his own, but he has this moment full of warmth and togetherness. He has Steve in his arms right now, and that's all he needs.

Javier wakes some time later squinting into the bright room. Steve is sitting beside him with his hand still threaded in Javier's. He's looking out the window with a slight frown on his face, and Javier finds it adorable. He feels that warmth blooming through his chest again. He's just so happy to see Steve. He opens his mouth to say something to him but the only sound that comes out is a small squeak. His damn throat is so dry.

Steve immediately turns at the sound, his eyes widening in relief and a smile crossing his face. "Hey," he says leaning over Javier. He places a palm on his chest and squeezes their hands tighter. "Hey, you're awake now. Are you feeling okay?" Javier tries to clear his throat so he can speak properly but it sill only comes out as scratchy static. Instead he sticks his tongue out and points at it. "You're thirsty?" He nods, noting the profound worry still in Steve's eyes. He looked tired and like he hadn't eaten. Probably because he'd scared the guy half to death by almost dying in his arms. "Okay. Let me prop you up more so you can drink." 

Steve stands from his chair to lean over the length of the bed. He pushes something on the side that has the back of the bed slowly rising up. Javier places his hand over the one Steve has on the button when he's in a comfortable almost-seated position to let him know he can stop. Steve then grabs a plastic water bottle from a table beside the bed that Javier hadn't noticed before. It's one of those small ones that roll around and act as a tray for patients to eat on when they're laying in the hospital beds. Steve uncaps the water and filters a straw through, making Javier's lick his lips in anticipation. He feels likes he could drink the entire fucking ocean.

"Don't drink it too fast or have too much. Just go slow," he tells him. He brings the bottle close to Javier's mouth and holds the straw out to his lips. Javier drinks slowly, just like Steve told him, and sighs at the refreshing feeling of finally having his thirst quenched. The water is cool, easing his dry throat and scratchy vocal chords. He watches Steve as he drinks, looking into his eyes and remembering how terrified they were during the moments before Javier lost consciousness. He'd been frantic yet so calm in trying to do everything he could to care for him and that made Javier's heart clench. Steve loved him wholly and unconditionally. Javier knows that now. "Better?"

"I'm sorry."

"Jav-"

"I'm so sorry Steve."

Steve shakes his head as he sets the water bottle down and cups Javier's face with his hands. He looks him directly in the eyes, his expression stern yet sad. "Don't you do that. You have nothing to apologize for."

"You told me to keep my eyes open, and I didn't. I almost died on you." Javier could feel the tears brimming in his eyes. He didn't want to cry, not again, but the thought of never seeing Steve again and leaving him alone in this nasty war haunted him. He needed to be here to keep Steve safe. To get him home.

"Hey," Steve whispers to him. He wipes the pads of his thumbs just under Javier's eyes and smiles warmly. "You don't have to cry. Everyone's okay. You're okay."

Javier brings his shaking hands up to cover the ones Steve has on his face. "I'm sorry I scared you so bad. You're still scared. I can see it in the way you look at me."

"No. No, I'm just happy you're awake. Happy that I get to see your eyes again." Javier smiles at him. He loves him so much it hurts. "Is it alright if I hug you now?"

"Please." Javier doesn't lean much forward because it hurts his abdomen too much, so Steve leans in all the way and gathers him in his arms. Javier seeks out the crook of Steve's neck, inhaling his heavenly scent, and sighs in relaxation. He's warm again as he closes his eyes. Warm like when he first woke in the hospital bed. Full of comfort, security, and serenity. In Steve's arms and bathing in his smell; that's where Javier belonged.

Steve places a firm kiss to Javier's temple as he pulls away after what feels like days. Javier watches him wipe the back of his hand across his face before he sniffles and flashes a smile at him. "Okay. They said I could take you home as soon as you woke up again unless you're not feeling up for it. They gave me all your medication and some supplies to dress your stitches. I'll have to clean it every morning and night then re-patch it."

Javier makes a face at him. "I can do that myself you shouldn't have-"

"It's fine Jav. I know how to do it. The nurse showed me. Now are you ready to go or would you like to stay longer?"

"We can go now, but I don't...." Javier trails off with a frown. He lifts the thin cotton blanket tucked around his body just slightly and looks back to Steve. "I don't have any clothes on. Just the hospital gown."

Steve chuckles lightly. "I know that." 

"What do you mean you know?"

"I haven't left this room since you got here. I watched the nurse when she'd check your stitches and change your bandage." Steve laughs again at Javier's slightly flushed face. "Don't worry. I only ever saw your stomach. Connie dropped off some clothes mostly so I could change, but I had her bring something extra for you too. It's just a pair of sweats and a shirt. I didn't think you'd want to wear my underwear, so I apologize for the lack of it. I was hoping it'd be enough to just get you back home and then you could change into whatever you want."

"No that's fine. I don't wear them anyway."

"You...? Okay."

Javier shrugs at him. "Can you help me get to the edge of the bed? It hurts when I move too much."

"Yeah. Yeah, just hold onto my shoulders and I'll pull you up. You might want to take the blanket off though." Javier does as he's told, tossing the blanket off of him and firmly grabbing onto Steve's shoulders. The hospital gown is long enough that he doesn't worry about accidentally exposing himself. Steve tries his best to move Javier to the edge of the bed without jostling him around too much. He has hands hooked under the backs of his knees and is gently scooting him forward. He pats his thigh when his legs are finally over the side of the bed and his feet are touching the ground. "Here are the clothes. I'll step outside so you can change." 

Javier grabs the pants from where they sit beside him and tries bending forward so he can get his foot through the pant leg. A sharp pain shoots up his side. "Steve," he gasps. A low groan escapes his chest as he looks up at his partner's worried expression from the door. "I can't bend over. I need help." 

He notices the slight change of color in Steve's face at his words and thinks he's probably also blushing. "What do you want me to do?" he asks coming back over to stand next to the bed. 

Javier hands him the sweats without looking at him. "Can you get my feet through and then just pull them up high enough so I can do it the rest of the way?" Steve nods, leaning in front of Javier and fitting his feet through the pant legs. He then pulls them up until they're just above Javier's knees before pulling away. "Thanks," he mutters, "please stay there for a second." Javier grabs onto Steve's shoulders and hoists himself off the bed with a groan. Steve immediately puts his hands on Javier's waist when he sways a little and watches him pull his sweats the rest of the way up.

"Okay?" he asks. 

Javier nods with a slight pained expression. "Just hurts when I move certain ways. Can you untie the back of this please?" He turns, exposing his back to Steve, and grabs for the shirt. He waits until the gown is untied before slipping it off and slowly pulling the shirt over his head. At least that movement doesn't hurt as much. "Do you have to like wheel me out of here or something? I don't know how far I can walk without collapsing. I haven't even been standing for a minute and I'm already tired."

"You're going to be in and out of sleep all day for the next week because of the pain meds. Just sit down for a second. I'll go grab a wheelchair." Steve helps Javier sit back down on the bed and just barely caresses his face before leaving the room. Javier's eyes begin to feel droopy again. He's suddenly just so tired and the allure of shutting his eyes is so persuasive that his eyes drift closed. It feels like he's falling down a very long hole until he hits something warm and familiar. A voice speaks soothingly in his ear, "Hey, not yet. You have to stay awake until I get you in the car. Javi?"

Javier hums against Steve's chest. He could lay here all day. "I'm sleepy."

He feels Steve laugh against him as strong arms hook under his armpits. "I know. You're my sleepy boy. Can you open your eyes and help me get you into the wheelchair?" Javier nods, opening his eyes, and realizes he would've fallen off the bed if Steve hadn't caught him. 

"No, I'm your pretty boy."

Steve stops his movements to look at Javier with a sly smile. Javier's eyes are heavy and not entirely there. "Those drugs really are making you feel something, huh? Yes, you're my pretty and my sleepy boy. Now come on. Be my awake boy right now." Javier stands from the bed with Steve's help, letting out a low grunt in doing so, and lets himself be guided to the wheelchair only a few steps away. He feels the back of his legs hit the wheelchair and slowly sits with Steve's hands gripping under his armpits. Javier makes a strangled noise at the effort. Everything he does seems to just make his abdomen hurt. "Okay?" Steve asks when Javier's fully seated. He receives a nod in reply and grabs a paper bag from the chair in the corner of the room. "You can hold your medicine on our way out. Try to stay awake for just a couple more minutes, then you can sleep all you want. I promise." 

Javier focuses all his attention on the little bag of medicine in his lap to avoid falling asleep. He doesn't want to fall out of the wheelchair and hurt himself even more, but he also doesn't want to put any more strain on Steve. The guy's been doing everything he could to make sure Javier was okay and that he'd know how to take care of him after they left the hospital. It squeezed his heart. He knew that as soon as everything returned to normal, Steve would be back to his own family and Javier would be alone again. It hurt, knowing that the only way he'd really get all of Steve's attention was him almost dying. 

Javier only looks up from his medicine bag when he stops moving. They're beside Steve's Jeep with the passenger door open. "This might hurt a little more than the other times, okay? If it's too much you tell me." Javier nods as Steve takes the bag from his hands and sets it on the middle console. He puts his hands firmly under Javier's armpits again. "I'm going to help you stand and then I'll pick you up and just set you in the seat. Is that okay?" He nods again. "I want you to tell me."

"Yes."

Steve hoists Javier slowly to his feet and lets him wrap his arms around his neck before sliding an arm underneath his legs. He listens closely to the little noises that Javier makes as he picks him up to make sure however he's handling him doesn't hurt too much. He sees Javier has his eyes closed as he finally gets him into the passenger seat. He eases the arm out from under his legs and places it on his thigh. "How do you feel?"

Javier peeps an eye open to look at Steve's worried face. It's so adorable when his brows scrunch together like that. He slowly drags his hands from the expanse of Steve's back to rub a little at his shoulders. "Te odio con cuánto amor tengo ahora mismo." His eyes begin to droop again as his hands slide away. Steve makes sure he's propped up correctly before squeezing lightly at his thigh. 

"You know I don't know what that means. You can sleep now. I have to return the wheelchair, but I'll be back real soon." Javier just grunts in response, leaning his head against the Jeep's window after Steve closes the door. He's asleep by the time the engine starts.

Javier wakes in his own bed with no memory of how he got there or what day it even his. He just keeps falling asleep for unknown intervals of time and waking with no understanding of when exactly it is. His limbs feel heavy again, along with his eyes, and he hates how utterly useless he feels. The pain meds sure make his abdomen not drip with seething pain when he's awake, but the lethargic and weak feeling he's left with absolutely sucks. He tries to sit up or at least prop himself on his elbows so he can look around his room, but his body just wants to lay in bed forever. 

He notices one of his dining room chairs is sat next to the edge of his bed and there's a cup of water with a straw in it on the nightstand. His door is open, and he can hear the faint chatter of the TV. He tries to move again, to sit up, but his entire stomach bursts into fiery flames of pain. A strangled shout escapes his mouth as he lowers himself to lay back down. The pain hasn't subsided. It stays there, burning through his stomach, and refuses to let him breathe regularly. He puts a hand over where the stitches are on his abdomen and tries to calm his breathing. He wants to cry, can feel the swell of tears building in his chest, and tries calling for Steve. It comes out as another strangled cry, causing him to groan in annoyance. 

Steve sticks his head through his bedroom door only seconds later with furrowed brows. "Hey, you're awake. I thought I heard something in here. I'm making you tomato soup." His face falls once he sees the pain etched into Javier's eyes. "What's wrong?" He's beside the bed with his hands on Javier's face in seconds. 

"Hurts," he chokes out.

Steve looks at his watch with a frown. "Fuck, sorry. I was supposed to give you meds twenty minutes ago. It'll be okay." Steve digs around in the paper bag on Javier's nightstand for the stronger dose of pills the nurse gave him. He was supposed to give them to him every twelve hours. He shakes two pills into his hand and sets them next to the cup of water. "I need to prop you up, okay? You'll feel better in a couple minutes." Javier makes an exasperated face at that but lets Steve grab him under the armpits anyway. He slowly lifts his back from the bed and pushes him up so he's leaning against the bed frame, shaking his head at Javier's loud groans. "I know, I know. I'm sorry I forgot them." 

Javier takes the pills from Steve's hand once he's propped against the bed and takes a long drink from his water. His hand is clenching at Steve's forearm as he finishes drinking and swallowing his pills. "Don't be sorry Murphy. It's not your fault." He loosens his grip on Steve's arm. The pain is already subsiding, and he rubs his thumb over the skin below his fingertips.

"I'll go get your soup. You need to eat something. Even if it's just a little bit." Javier nods, letting go of Steve's arm, and rests back against the bed as the room falls silent again. Steve returns a few minutes later with a bowl. He sits on the chair he placed next to Javier's bed and gives him a little smirk. "Can I feed it to you?"

Javier's face falls. With how heavy his arms feel and the way his hands keep shaking there's no way he'd be able to eat it himself. He'd spill it all over the bed. "I'm not a baby," he complains. 

"I never said you were. I just want to help, and you're looking sleepy already." Javier just nods at him, so Steve scoops some up and blows on the liquid. He tries it first to make sure it actually tastes okay and that it's not too hot then gives some to Javier. He holds the bowl just under his chin to avoid spilling and blows lightly on each spoonful before feeding it to him slowly. Javier hums after the first swallow, savoring the warmth of it and how it eases his empty stomach. He lets Steve feed him with only a slight embarrassed flush to his face. He switches between watching the spoon and watching Steve as he eats. He looks tired and worn out, but his eyes always bloom when he looks at Javier. 

"I think I'm done," he says when half the bowl is empty. 

Steve nods as he sets in on the nightstand. "That's alright. I'll eat the rest of it. I also think I'm going to go back to work tomorrow. The Ambassador's already pissed that I missed all those days you were in the hospital. You think she'd be a little more understanding." Steve lets out a small sigh when he realizes Javier's eyes are closed again. He stands from his chair to help him ease back into laying on the bed and tucks the comforter more around him. Javier opens his eyes again, blinking sleepily at Steve with a small smile. Steve brushes a hand over his hair and down his cheek. "May I kiss you?"

Javier stares up at him as the smile slowly leaves his face. He wants to say yes, feels like he has to with all that Steve's been doing for him, but knows it's the wrong answer. Kissing Steve would heal all of his wounds but at the same time enhance his pain to beyond unbearable. Steve still isn't his to have, no matter how hard his heart wants to yearn and argue. "No," he says quietly. 

He watches the defeated look appear over Steve's face and the way his shoulder automatically slump. It's pitiful, how utterly heartbroken he looks, and Javier vaguely recognizes his expression looks almost identical to the one Steve wore when he'd asked him to kiss him one last time. That was going to be their last kiss. Javier couldn't handle the pain of receiving anymore. The pain of not having those lips to himself. "And why?" His tone isn't angry or accusing. It's depressed.

"You know why."

"Because of Connie? Olivia? I've already said I'm willing to throw it away for you Jav. Is that the only reason you have?"

He huffs out a sigh. "Steve-"

"No. Fuck her and fuck you too. I'd rather walk right into Escobar's house and let him slowly torture me to death than live a single lifetime without you Javi. That's where I stand." He watches helplessly as Steve walks out of the room with his hands in fists. Javier wouldn't be surprised if his liquor stash was completely empty by morning. He doesn't have much time to dwell on it though as his eyes become heavier and his consciousness starts slipping. He falls asleep again with a heavy heart.

Javier wakes in complete darkness with an incessant need to pee. He blindly feels for the chair beside his bed to see if maybe Steve's sleeping there like he had been at the hospital. It's empty, and Javier supposes he probably went back to his own bed with his wife. He hates how jealous he feels of Connie. How lucky she is to call Steve hers. 

He tosses the comforter away from his body and fumbles for the lamp on his nightstand. He very slowly gets himself into a seated position and eventually gets his legs to hang over the side of the bed. His movements don't hurt as much now because he only recently took his pain meds. The only thing inhibiting him is how weak and heavy he feels. He reaches for the back of the chair to pull himself to his feet with a soft grunt. It takes him twice as long to get to the bathroom as it usually does with his slow and careful steps. He stops every few feet to take a couple deep breaths and steady himself from swaying until he finally reaches the toilet. He keeps one hand on the edge of the counter as he does his business and regrets ever getting up in the first place as he starts his slow journey back to his bed. 

He makes it only halfway back to his bed when he thinks he hears the TV behind his closed bedroom door. He slowly finds his way to his door and just stands in the empty doorway once he gets it open. Steve is sleeping on his couch with his head thrown back and the remote still in his hand. The TV is playing something quietly, but Javier suspects it's been playing to an uninterested audience for a while now. He grunts, pushing himself away from the doorway, and carefully trudges toward Steve. His abdomen is beginning to get sore, and he's afraid he might fall over if he stands for much longer. He grabs Steve by the shoulders when he finally reaches him. His breathing is deep and his head only slightly dizzy. 

Steve's eyes blink open in confusion then worry. His hands come up to grab at Javier's forearms as he squints at him. "Hey. What are you doing up? You're not supposed to be walking around. Are you okay?"

"What are you doing here?" he asks. His voice is raspy again.

"I wanted to stay just in case you needed anything."

"What about Connie?"

Steve runs his thumbs over Javier's forearms. "I told her I was staying here for the next few days so I could take care of you and make sure you were alright."

"You didn't have to-"

"Yes I did," he says squeezing Javier's arms, "I have to take care of you. Now let's get you back to bed."

Javier shakes his head. "Only if you come sleep too."

Steve looks at him to make sure his offer is sincere, honest. "Alright."

Javier allows Steve to carry him back to the bed because 'he can't walk anymore', and sighs as he's laid back into the warmth of his comforter. His eyes are already closed as he feels the bed dip beside him. He faintly recalls a warm hand grabbing at his hip and a comforting body at his side before he's asleep again. 

"Jav," he hears in his ear. There's a hand gently shaking his shoulder. "Come on sleepy you need to wake up. Please?" Javier groans lowly as he opens his eyes. Steve's smiling down at him with wet hair and fresh clothes. He can smell the bergamot and vanilla radiating from his skin. "I need to give you your pills and re-bandage you before I go to work. I'm going to sit you up, okay?" Javier nods, letting Steve snake a hand around his back and lift him into a seated position. He only manages a grunt at the movement and can already feel the tendrils of pain fleeting through his abdomen. He takes his pills quickly, holding onto Steve's arm as he lowers himself back down onto the bed. "Can you lift up your shirt for me? I'll be right back."

Javier pulls his shirt up far enough that his bandage is showing while Steve disappears into the bathroom. He returns with a washcloth and pulls two small packages out of his medicine bag. Javier watches him work. He's sitting on the wooden chair next to his bed and peeling his old bandage off. This is the first time Javier's seeing his stitched up skin. There's a line of stitches across his slightly raised skin that's about two inches long. He runs his finger along the line and stops it in the middle. The skin there is pulled together differently and doesn't feel as smooth as the rest of the stitch. That must've been where the bullet hit him. Steve waits until Javier's done inspecting his wound to continue. 

He dabs the washcloth over the stitches, making Javier hum because of its warmth, then sets it to the side. He opens one of the small packages and takes out an antibacterial wipe that he purposefully wipes over the stitches and the skin around them. He then opens the last small package and sticks a new bandage over the stitches. "All done."

Javier blinks at him. "Well thanks Dr. Murphy I could've done that in my sleep. You barely even did anything."

Steve frowns at him as he throws away the used things and package wrappers. "I cleaned it so there wasn't any crust build up and sanitized it so you wouldn't get an infection. I'd call that something. Besides, I like to do it. It means I'm helping." Javier just shrugs as he pulls his shirt back down. His heart feels warm at Steve's words. "Do you want me to make you any coffee or anything before I go? I filled up your water and I put some tomato soup in a thermos in case you get a little hungry."

Javier notes those items on his nightstand and shakes his head. "I should be fine. Are you coming back here when you get off?" 

"Yeah. I'll come check on you. If you need anything or if something happens you page me right away." He shows Javier his pager in his hand and sets it next to his cup of water. "I'll stop what I'm doing and come straight here, okay?" Javier nods at him sleepily. Those pain meds really work fast. "Good. Have fun sleeping the day away you lazy bum."

Javier mumbles something that even he can't understand before his eyes droop and he's fast asleep.

Javier only wakes four separate times before Steve's work day is over. Once to drink his water, once to pee, once to gulp down half of his soup, and once more to pee. Those were the main events of his day home alone, and he found this very depressing. If he wasn't sleeping, he was peeing. If he wasn't peeing, he was sleeping. That was his poor excuse of a cycle and the only reason he wasn't out catching Escobar. He also did some thinking in the short moments when he was awake. He thought about how attentive Steve was to caring for him, how upset he'd looked last night, and what he said to him right after. He mostly thought about how much he loved him. 

Javier stirs slightly when he feels a pressure on his hand. He makes a noise when the pressure increases and blinks open his eyes. Steve is sitting in the chair beside his bed with his hand in Javier's. "Hey," he says, "I brought you a smoothie from that place you like by the flower shop." Javier blinks again and notices the clear cup that Steve has in his other hand. It's even his favorite flavor. He smiles as he grips Steve's hand tighter to help pull himself up into a seated position. 

"Oh Murphy. You're too good to me." He accepts the smoothie from Steve and begins delightfully sipping it with a warmth in his chest.

"Did you eat?" He still hasn't let go of his hand.

Javier drinks for a long while before answering. "Only half. I started falling asleep, so I figured I should put it down. I'll finish it later." Steve nods and watches Javier enjoy his smoothie. "Do you want to try some?" he asks. 

Steve smiles, shaking his head. "I already tried it before I got here. Do you think you're up for watching TV on the couch or would you rather stay here?"

"I would like to sit on the couch for a while. Get a change of scenery." Steve walks him to the couch, Javier's hand gripping his arm, and eases him onto the cushions. He grabs him one of the thinner blankets laying over the back of the couch and tucks it around him while he continues sipping his smoothie. "You better find something with subtitles on," he says as Steve sits next to him, "otherwise it won't be much fun for you."

"Shut up. I know which channels are what now. I can find something." 

They watch some black and white comedy with their shoulders and knees barely touching. They both laugh at the same things and make fun of the same overexaggerated scenes. Javier finished his smoothie a long time ago (he's unsure as to how he even made it this long without falling asleep) and somehow Steve's hand has found his under the blanket. He doesn't know when he fell asleep, or how his head ended up on Steve's shoulder, but he wakes sometime later with the biggest swell in his chest and sleepy eyes full of love. He wishes he could be like this with Steve every night.

"I heated up your soup," Steve says to him once he wakes, "it's still in the thermos for you." 

Javier nods as Steve hands him the thermos from the coffee table. He blows on the top of it for a while before taking a small sip. "I think I want to take a shower."

"Are you sure?"

"I feel very unclean, and it's starting to make my skin itch. I haven't showered in almost five days."

"You were in the hospital for three of those and have literally been asleep for 90% of the other two."

"Doesn't matter. I want to shower."

They sit in silence for awhile, Javier finishing his soup, and Steve thinking. "How do you want to do it? I don't want you to fall."

Javier almost rolls his eyes as he sets the thermos down. "I have one of those bars inside the shower I can hold onto. I think I'll need you to help me get in and out though. Lifting my legs over the tub may hurt more than just walking around and that could very well make me fall. You can stand outside the room in case I need anything if that'll make you feel better."

Steve nods slowly. "Okay. Okay, I'll go start the water. You can take your bandage off, just be careful not to be too rough with that area when you're washing." Javier walks himself to the bedroom while Steve starts the shower in the bathroom. He finds a bag of Steve's clothes (probably for him to wear while he quite literally camps out in Javier's apartment) thrown in the corner of his room. He gets the bag, tossing it onto the bed, and starts digging through it. He finds another pair of sweatpants and an old t-shirt. "Hey, that's my stuff," Steve says from the doorway. 

Javier folds both articles of clothing and sets them on the bed. "They bring me comfort and they smell good. I want to wear them."

Steve's smile is small, but Javier still notes the little sense of pride he exudes. "Okay. Shower's ready."

Javier follows Steve into the bathroom then immediately shoos him out so he can undress. He takes his shirt off first and slowly removes the bandage from his skin. He discards it into the trash then wiggles out of his sweats, trying not to bend over too much. "You can come in now. Just don't look at me."

"How am I supposed to help you in the shower when I can't see you or the shower? I've seen penises before Javi. I literally have one."

"Just turn around and I'll use your shoulders for support." He hears Steve sigh loudly from outside the room and watches as he backs his way through the door. "I'll lead you so you don't trip." He takes Steve by the shoulders and walks backward with him until his heels hit the base of the tub. He grips his shoulders harder as he shakily lifts one leg into the tub. He lets out a deep breath and rests his head briefly on Steve's back. 

"Is it okay?"

"Yeah. Just give me a few more seconds." He lets out a small grunt when he lifts the other leg into the tub, giving Steve's shoulders one last squeeze. He closes the curtain and grabs onto the metal bar screwed into the tile of the wall. "Okay, I'm good. Thank you."

Javier feels amazing standing underneath the water. It's warm against his skin, and running soapy fingers through his hair never felt like such a gift. He hadn't been lying when he said not having showered in a while made his skin itch. His entire body felt disgusting every time he woke up in his bed with his greasy hair and the same clothes he'd had on yesterday. Sure, he hadn't been doing anything but sleeping, but it still hadn't sat well with him that he wasn't clean. None of that mattered now as he slowly conditioned his hair and ran a soapy washcloth over his body. Only when he bends forward to clean his ankles and feet do things turn sour. He gets the washcloth only down to his shins before a spearing pain shoots up his side. He lets out a loud gasp that sounds much too like a moan and immediately bites his wrist to keep himself from crying. He's not bending that far again. 

"You okay Jav?" he hears over the water. 

He takes a deep breath and holds a hand gently over his stitches. "Yeah I'm sorry. I just bent over too far." He finishes rinsing his body with pain twisted in his face and turns the water off. "Can you just hand me a towel through the curtain please." A blue towel is shoved through the little opening between the curtain and the wall. Javier quickly wraps it tightly around his body, throwing the curtain back, and reaches out for Steve's hands.

"You're not okay," he says frowning. 

Javier grabs onto Steve's forearms and shakily pulls himself one leg at a time out of the tub. "I'm fine. It just hurts." 

"That's okay. It's almost time for your meds. I can give them to you a little early." Steve grabs another towel and starts drying Javier's hair. He rubs the cloth all over his head and even pats his face and chest dry. 

"I can do things myself you know."

"Javi you look like you're about to cry. Brush your teeth and I'll help you to bed." He brushes his teeth with shaky hands as Steve also pats his back and arms dry. Steve then helps him to the room with an arm around his waist and makes sure he's comfortably seated at the edge of the bed. "Here." He hands Javier his medicine and holds the straw in the cup out for him. Javier eagerly swallows his pills and gulps down half of his water. "You'll be better in a couple of minutes. Do you need me to help you with your pants like I did at the hospital?"

"Please."

Javier folds his arms over his toweled waist as Steve gets down in front of him. He fits Javier's feet through each pant leg and starts pulling them up. He stops when his hands reach the bottom of the towel, but Javier reaches out to grab his face. He pulls his head forward until Steve's lips are touching his forehead and rubs his thumbs over his cheekbones. "Go all the way Steve."

Steve presses a firm kiss to the spot his lips are touching. He does it again. Javier feels his hands come down to where his towel is folded. Steve doesn't stop kissing his forehead. It's one kiss after the other. The cloth of the towel slowly comes away from Javier's body and the cold air makes him shiver. Another kiss. Warm hands run down his hips then to his thighs and stop where the waistband of his sweats start. Another kiss. He tugs them slowly up the rest of Javier's legs, lifting him slightly to get them over his bum. Another kiss. His hands stay where they are on Javier's hips, squeezing slightly. Another kiss. 

Javier is suddenly hit with so many emotions, and the subsiding pain in his abdomen only accents them further. He thinks about how Steve stayed with him the entire time in that alleyway, literally living his nightmare and staining his hands with Javier's blood. He thinks about how security had to restrain him because he wouldn't dare leave Javier alone in that operating room. He thinks about how he held his hand and did not move from his chair in the hospital for three straight days because he'd rather face his own death than live without Javier. He thinks about how he's cared for him since finding him in that alley in all the ways he could and going out of his way to make sure he was comfortable. He thinks about how he probably hasn't seen his family for the past five days because he was too worried about making sure he was alright and taken care of. Javier thinks about how much he fucking loves Steve, and finally realizes that he already has Steve as his own. He always did.

"Javi what's wrong?" Javier jumps back to reality, not realizing how hard he'd been gripping Steve's face or the tears streaming down his face. 

"I love you," he whispers. The grip on his waist tightens. 

"Yeah, I-I love you too."

Javier tilts his head up against Steve and meets his lips in a hungry kiss. His tongue immediately darts out, licking against the seam of Steve's mouth until he can lick his way in. He feels a hand on his bare back that pulls him closer into Steve's chest, and a tug at the back of his hair causes a delighted noise to erupt from Javier's throat. Steve bites at Javier's bottom lip before licking over it and joining his tongue in its own exploration of the other's mouth. Javier knows he's clutching roughly at the hairs just behind Steve's ears, but groans all the same when Steve's hands pull harder on his soft curls. Javier feels his grip slacken and his frantic pace slow as the drowsiness of the pain medicine finally starts to hit him. His hands fall from Steve's face to his chest, and his lips go uncoordinated. They don't want to do what he wants. 

Steve seems to notice because he lets Javier breathe and kisses his cheek with a deep breath. "I'm sorry," Javier slurs. His eyes feel so heavy.

Steve brushes his hair back with the biggest smile Javier's ever seen. "It's alright. I understand. You just go to sleep while I bandage your stitches. I'll be right next to you in the morning." He puts his hand behind Javier's head as he lays him down onto the pillow. He starts to wipe his stitches with the antibacterial wipe as Javier watches him with barely open eyes. He fits the bandage over the area and hovers over Javier with a hand on his face. He kisses his lips again, slowly this time, and smiles against him. "You make me so happy."

"Come lay with me."

"I will just give me a second." Steve discards of all the trash, puts the towel where it belongs, and makes sure everything in the apartment is shut off. Javier is sleeping by the time he climbs into the bed, so he pulls him into his chest with another kiss to his forehead. "I love you Javier. I'm glad you finally realized that."

Javier wakes to Steve repeatedly pecking his lips softly. He flutters his eyes open and lazily kisses him on the next one. There's a thumb rubbing circles into his side and a smiling Steve propped up on his elbow beside him. "There you are. It's time for your meds." He leans over Javier, reaching across him to grab the pill bottle and his cup of water. Javier takes the pills and swallows a large gulp of water. He peers back up at Steve with sleepy eyes and a tiny smile. "My Jabi," he whispers to him, "you're so handsome in the morning." He kisses Javier again. It's long and slow, and Javier's tempted just to fall back asleep with how comforting it is. "Let me bandage you."

Steve goes about his normal routine in changing Javier's bandage, except he lightly kisses his stitches this time. It makes Javier blush.

"Do you want me to bring you another smoothie when I come home today?" Javier can only nod. He feels extra tired today. It's only after Steve leaves and he's drifting off to sleep again that he realizes he called Javier's apartment home. 

Javier is his home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hopefully this one didn't break you too much *wink*
> 
> I've had surgery before and for the next couple of days it was literally sleep, pee, sleep, pee and it never stopped!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ya'll may think spitting in someone's mouth is gross but i think about it on a daily basis and this is my story. deal with it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanted to mention i was at the store the other day and found one of those like scent sprays that people use to relax themselves and one of them was bergamot which i have dubbed as a steve smell and i almost bought it. don't ask me why i feel like steve has hints of bergamot to his smell i just do, okay?

Javier never asked to fall in love.

Yet here he was laying in bed, wearing his partner's clothes and thinking of all the different ways he could bend him over once his wound healed. 

He wasn't even sure what they were to each other at the moment. Javier had kissed him last night with the sole purpose of showing Steve that he did love him, he did accept him, and that he wanted to be with him in whatever way Steve would allow. They hadn't talked about what was going to happen next. Steve was still married and had a kid. Javier didn't know if he was going to give up that part of his life yet or even at all. He could just be Steve's little side piece, and Javier found himself slowly accepting that fate. Of course he wanted to be with Steve intimately, sexually, but if he only wanted him to stay on the side then he would. No matter how much it may hurt. How much it will hurt. 

That's what Javier thinks about as he drifts to sleep for the fourth time today. He thinks of Steve's lips and the way his mustache tickles him whenever they kiss. He thinks about the way he pulls on his hair in just the right places that make Javier's brain short-circuit. He thinks of the warmth that traps him when Steve pulls him against his body or holds tightly onto his hand. He thinks about how Steve told him he loved him. He thinks about how Steve may be his, right now, but he only has half of him. 

Javier loves more than just half a man. 

Love is Steve Murphy, and Javier Peña knows he'll never stop falling.

He feels like he's trapped in a dream. Warm hands caressing his face, smoothing his hair back, and a thumb tracing wide circles just above his hipbone. He feels bathed in warmth and like he's walking through an orchard solely comprised of bergamot oranges. There's lips at his jaw, slow and soft, through whispers of 'I love you'. Those lips stray from their place, trailing up to his cheek to his temple and across his forehead. They come softly down the bridge of his nose and end with a light nibble to the pointed tip. He huffs out a breath, basking in the serenity fizzling through his skin and warming his heart. There's breath just above his own lips that smells vaguely of coffee and a calloused hand brushing across his cheek. 

"You absolutely melt me with your beauty Javi. I can't imagine surviving if I were to ever see your sleeping form in the morning sunlight, casting shadows over your features and making your skin glow. It makes me swell just imaging it. Your beauty, none could compare." The lips softy brush his, making the small hairs on the back of his neck stand and his skin tingle. "Now come on sleepy. You better open your eyes for me, or I'll drink your smoothie."

Javier makes a noise in his throat. This is no dream. "Bésame otra vez," he mumbles into the air. His hands come up blindly in search of Steve's face and he hums quietly when his fingers brush against his soft hair. "Por favor." Steve's lips brush his again, just barely, and Javier whines when he evades the kiss. He tries again, scrunching his nose when all he gets is a tickle from Steve's mustache hairs. "No eres justo," he complains. His eyes finally blink open, and he feels his own face break out into a lazy smile upon seeing Steve hovering barely above him with a smug look. 

"I'm not fair? I brought you another smoothie and nicely woke you from your sleep. Do you want a bucket of water next time?"

Javier shakes his head with a sleepy frown. “No. No, yo quiero que escupas en mi boca la próxima vez.” Javier thinks that either Steve has no idea what he just said, he doesn’t care, or he hides his surprise well. 

All he does is raise a brow with a little twitch of his upper lip. “Sí?” Javier nods, biting the inside of his cheek, and tries to hide the flush in his face. He’s by no means embarrassed for expressing what he wants. “Y ¿qué pasa ahora?” 

Javier’s eyes widen only slightly as he begins to fail at hiding his blush. “I thought you didn’t speak Spanish?”

Steve seizes Javier’s cheeks with his hand quickly and aggressively. It almost hurts, the amount of pressure he’s using, but Javier finds he enjoys it. “I asked you a question first.” 

Javier swallows the lump in his throat and nods. “Sí, ahora es bueno.” 

Steve smiles just above him, loosening the grip on his cheeks, and whispers against his lips. “You’re such a good boy Javi. Open up for me.”

Javier does as he's told, opening his mouth for Steve, and sticks his tongue barely out to lick at his bottom lip. He feels a hand slide around the back of his head and thread through his hair. His eyes flutter closed at the feel of nails gently scraping his scalp with a soft sigh. He doesn't see or hear it happening in the silence of the room, but he feels Steve's spit drip onto the tip of his tongue and slowly slide down its length until it reaches his throat. He swallows it down with a delighted moan as Steve's fingers tighten their hold in his hair, tugging gently at the strands. Javier waists no time in tilting his chin up to catch Steve in a kiss. It isn't a frantic pace of lips and tongues moving against each other with rough nips of their teeth; instead, it's a hard but slow press of lips and languid licks of tongue over the other. It's full of passion, want, eagerness, and love, but with a soft control that allows them to sneak in breaths. Javier sighs each time Steve tugs on a strand of his hair and keeps his own hands delicately rubbing from his cheek down to his neck. 

Javier isn't sure when Steve had joined him on the bed or when his shirt came unbuttoned. Steve's laying overtop him, their bare chests gently brushing, and has a thigh slotted between Javier's legs. He's moving his hips slowly against Javier's pelvis and the expanse of his own thigh that he's pushed up between Steve's legs. Javier can feel the length of Steve's hardness rubbing against the inside of his thigh and it makes his head spin. They haven't stopped kissing, Javier never wants to, but their pace has picked up significantly from where they started and Steve's hand in is hair is tugging harder. He can feel the little noises Steve is making vibrate against his chest and tingle his lips. His hands come down to grip Steve's hips as he urges him to come between both of Javier's legs and continue rolling his hips. "Better angle," he mumbles into his lips. It's not Steve's fault he's inexperienced and has no clue how to pleasure another man. 

Steve finds his rhythm again now canting his hips directly against Javier's between his legs. He lets out a shuddering moan when their clothed dicks finally rub against each other, Javier's head falling back from a particularly forceful pull on his hair. Javier hooks his heels behind Steve's knees, spreading his legs wider, and grunts at the steady thrusts against his hips. He licks at Steve's mouth with his hands still gripping at his hips and a harsh bite at his lips every so often. He feels one of Steve's hand snake down his side and clasp around his waist. He squeezes his warm skin roughly on the next roll of his hips that has a burst of painful heat shooting up Javier's body. Steve immediately seizes all of his movements when the noise against his mouth turns from pleasurable to painful.

"Did I hurt you?" he asks quickly. He takes his weight off of Javier's chest, gently cupping his cheek, and kisses him softly. His eyes look worried and almost terrified. 

Javier shakes his head and squeezes Steve's hips, urging him to continue moving. "No, I'm fine. Keep going."

Steve doesn't move. "Yes I did. Your eyes are watering." Javier blinks his eyes a few times, noticing that they were watering from the spike of pain that tore through his body. 

"No they're not. Please just keep moving." Steve cants his hips forward only slightly and slowly. He brushes his thumbs just below Javier's eyes before lightly kissing each eyelid. His lips trail back to Javier's where he kisses him softly and gently bites on his lower lip.

"I'm sorry I hurt you sweetheart," he says quietly. His mustache tickles Javier's lip as he speaks, and his heart flutters at the term of endearment. The heat coiling in his belly returns as Steve starts moving with purpose again. "I'll be more gentle." 

Javier tightens his hold on Steve's hips, kissing him meaningfully. "Clothes," he gasps. Steve chuckles against his lips as he lets Javier remove his already unbuttoned shirt. Calloused hands run from his waist to across the expanse of his chest. He nibbles at Javier's jaw before trailing open-mouthed kisses and sucking marks down his tanned body to the line of hair disappearing under his sweats. His eyes come up to meet Javier's briefly before he's slowly tugging the front of them down. He goes inch by tortuous inch, licking his lips and running his fingertips over the thick curls of hair there. He goes until his dick pops free, slapping against his own stomach, and Steve lets out a small whimper. He watches Javier as he places a small kiss to the base of his dick and then the head, sucking lightly at the pre-come drizzling from the slit. He listens to the tiny moans filtering through Javier's mouth, coming up to kiss him briefly, and pulls his sweats the rest of the way off. 

"So beautiful," he mumbles against the inside of Javier's thigh. He bites into the soft skin, licking over it, and huffs a breath when Javier whines for him to take his own clothes off. "You're so impatient. I just want to taste you."

"Y quiero que me beses. With your clothes off." Steve huffs again but moves back up Javier's body to kiss him. He feels Javier's hands tug roughly on the clasp of his belt, causing their hips to knock together and a pitiful noise to escape his lips. The belt slides from its loops quickly as it's tossed to the floor. Javier unbuttons his jeans blindly and shoves his hand down the front, roughly grabbing Steve's dick. He jacks him a few times, swallowing the deep groans coming from Steve's mouth, and finally pushes at his stomach. "Take them off," he orders. Steve almost scrambles from the bed rushing to remove his jeans. He's naked in one fluid motion and about to climb back onto the bed but stops when he sees Javier. He's laying there with his legs spread and a hand palming at his dick. His body is covered in a thin sheet of sweat, his eyes hooded and dark, his swollen lips parted slightly, and his entire chest flushed a light red. He's overtaken by the sheer beauty of Javier's debauched body. 

"Fuck," he whimpers. He can feel little beads of pre-come dripping down his dick as he only stares at the man he loves in such a state.

"Mmm, get back over here and finish," Javier teases with a smug smile. "I know I'm pretty to look at, but I want to feel you again." Steve obliges, climbing over Javier's body slowly and slotting himself between his legs again. He starts rolling his hips, trying to find his previous rhythm, and gasps when their dicks finally rub together. Their mouths move roughly and sloppily together. Uncoordinated kisses and harsh teeth biting on swollen lips. Javier finds Steve's hands, threading his fingers back into his hair. "Pull as hard as you want. It doesn't hurt as much as it feels good." Steve nods against him and tugs on the damp strands at the back of Javier's neck. 

Palms slide down the length of Steve's sides and around his back until they're settled over the swell of his ass. Javier's fingers digs roughly into his flesh, and his hands grip him tighter with an intent to pull him closer. Their hips are moving together in sync now, slick bodies sliding against each other, and tired lips remaining locked together. Their panting has become louder with an incessant need to breathe and moans becoming needier as they both near collapse. "Javi," Steve almost cries, "Javi please."

Javier's hand comes up to wipe the hair from Steve's sweaty forehead. He rubs at the back of his neck and kisses him sweetly. "You don't need to ask for permission. I got you Steve. Te amo."

"I love-oh, Jav." Javier feels Steve's muscles tighten above him and the grip in his hair pull almost too hard before Steve's groaning loudly into his open mouth. Wet heat erupts between their bodies, and Javier's own muscles tighten. They're both coming at the same time, grasping onto each other in whatever way they can and losing their own cries against their lips. Neither of them move. Steve's arm muscles are twitching and Javier's thighs only shaking slightly. They're breathing the air between their mouths with their chests heaving. Steve's staring down at Javier with unbridled pleasure. And love. "Your eyes are watering again Javi."

A small laugh escapes Javier's mouth, and he tilts his chin to quickly peck Steve's lips. "Yeah. I think you pulled my hair a little too hard that last time."

His face falls into one of apology and embarrassment. "I'm sorry sweetheart," he whispers. His fingers thread through the hairs on the back of Javier's head, rubbing smooth circles into his scalp. It almost makes him purr. "Does that feel better?"

"It will once you clean this mess off me."

Steve leans down to kiss him, still gently massaging his scalp. "I'll go get a washcloth."

"No," he says firmly. Steve raises a quick brow at him and stops moving his hands. "Lick it up. All of it."

"What?"

"Use your tongue to clean up this mess. All of it. Don't swallow until I tell you to." Steve stares at Javier for what feels like forever with his mouth slightly open. He'd never been bossed around before, during, or after sex, and he'd certainly never had anyone ask him to spit in their mouth before either. He finds he doesn't mind the request, maybe even likes it.

He slides down the length of Javier's body, dragging his chin over his warm skin, and stops when he reaches the base of the cooling trail up his abdomen. He keeps his eyes locked on Javier's as his tongue darts out to taste the cum. He scrunches his nose, cringing at the bitter and salty taste. It's not the best thing in the world, but he doesn't mind it. He licks his tongue all up the trail of white that paints Javier's stomach, getting every last drop, and holding it in his closed mouth. He raises a brow to Javier as a question for what he wants next. "Straddle me," he says. Steve does as he's told, sitting on Javier's thighs and trapping his waist between his knees. Javier grabs onto Steve's forearms to hoist himself up into a seated position. He kisses Steve's chin and drags his fingers through the drying cum on his abdomen. He holds his fingers up for Steve to see. "Don't swallow this either. Just taste." Steve opens his mouth slightly, allowing for Javier's fingers to fit, and licks each one of them clean. His mouth is full of both their semen, and he doesn't have a single atom in his body that cares.

Javier's hands grab his and place them on the back of his head. "Use your fingertips again. It comforts me." Steve returns to massaging Javier's scalp gentler than he had before. He did feel bad for pulling so hard, but Javier drove him fucking mad with pleasure. A tongue darts out to lick across the seam of Steve's lips, earning him a small whine from Javier. He wants to kiss him again. A hand cups his cheek while the other brushes the hair from his forehead. "Earlier," he says quietly, "before I woke up all the way I thought I was dreaming. I heard you, all the things you said. You know I love you too, I always have, and you think I'm beautiful? You should befriend a mirror so you can see how handsome I think you are. My sweet boy," he brushes another hand through his hair, "you're the pretty one here. Will you do me a favor?" Steve nods with a newfound bright flush in his cheeks. "I'm going to kiss you. When I do, I want you to spit all that in my mouth. I want to taste it, taste you. Will you do that for me?" Steve brings a hand from the back of Javier's head to his cheek with an eager nod. He smiles at him. 

Javier leans forward to kiss him softly, diving his tongue into Steve's already open mouth. He feels a hum overtake him as Steve spits everything into his mouth. It drops onto his tongue and he swallows it immediately, still kissing Steve softly. He rubs a thumb at his jaw as he pulls away and presses their foreheads together. "I love you too," Steve says, "I didn't get to finish saying it earlier before I...you know."

Javier smiles at him. "Thank you for indulging me. Even on our first time."

"Yeah you're one sick bastard. All I have to do is spit in your mouth and suddenly you go from sleepy to horny."

"Fuck off," Javier says shoving Steve off of his lap. He sits back against the headboard, grabbing his halfway melted smoothie Steve had brought him and starts drinking.

"I'm kidding. It doesn't bother me." Javier says nothing as he quietly sips his smoothie looking anywhere but at him. Steve eventually gets up to wet a washcloth with warm water, returning to wipe down Javier and himself, making sure to get everything off of their stomachs and out of their pubic hair. Javier offers a drink to Steve and stands slowly to attempt at pulling his sweats back on. "Let me help you so you don't fall." Javier holds onto Steve's shoulders as he fits his feet through the pant legs and pulls them all the way up. He rubs a hand over his warm stomach and kisses his forehead lightly. "There's something I think I need to go do and it has to be right now. Will you sit on the couch and wait for me to come back? I'll make you a sandwich later."

Javier grabs at his hand. "What do you need to do?"

Steve shakes his head. "It's not important. I just have to do it. I promise I'll be back." Javier nods at him, grabbing his smoothie and the comforter, and heads to sit on the couch. He watches something while Steve gets dressed and smiles at him as he leaves. Javier's asleep by the time he comes back. 

The shower's running when Javier wakes the next morning. The mattress next to him is warm and he feels the ghost of a faint kiss on his cheekbone. He doesn't feel as tired as he usually had been the past few days, so he decides to get up and make some coffee. He hadn't had a cup of that in almost a week. He cleans and re-patches himself while he waits for the coffee and rummages through his fridge for the carton of eggs he knows he has. He starts up a pan and cooks the eggs while he hums something he can't remember the name off. He's pouring a cup of coffee when a throat clears behind him. "What are you doing?"

Javier turns and immediately chokes on his coffee. "Why are you naked?"

"I just got out of the shower. You're not supposed to be up yet or walking around. Are you making breakfast?"

Javier looks Steve up and down before smiling into his coffee mug. "Just some eggs. I was hungry."

Steve tilts his head at him with his own smile. "What are you smiling at?"

"I'm not." He turns away from Steve to watch the eggs. Hands grip his waist as a damp chest presses against his bare back. Steve noses at Javier's ear, hugging him from behind, and lightly kisses his temple. "Quit that. You're going to get yourself all worked up and I'm not helping you get rid of it. You have to go to work."

"I just wanted to kiss you," he says defensively. 

Javier turns his head to kiss Steve sweetly on the lips and brushes the back of his hand on his hip. "Now go get dressed and maybe I'll save some of these for you."

Javier had been able to stay awake most of the morning. Steve had told him he could start taking the lower dosage pain medication that wouldn't make him as drowsy. He also told him he could start moving around the apartment more. He's watching TV on the couch wrapped in his comforter and wearing Steve's clothes. Being awake for longer amounts of time allows him to think about things and ultimately feel more guilty about what he's doing. All he can think about is how yesterday he had sex with a married man one apartment under the one where his real family lived. It made the pit in his stomach deepen and the guilt in his heart heavier. He loved Steve, he really did, and Steve loved him. He knew that. But he couldn't shake the weight of Connie and Olivia bearing down on his shoulders. It wasn't right of him to do this no matter how many times Steve reassured him. 

A knock on his door tears him from his thoughts. He frowns as he unwraps himself from his blanket bundle and makes his way to the door. His pace has definitely improved, but he's still slower at getting around than he used to be. Looking through the peephole shows him that Connie's on the other side. "Steve's at work," he says as he opens the door. 

"I know." She looks tired.

"Where's Olivia?"

She hasn't looked Javier in the eye yet, and Javier hopes she doesn't. She's Steve's wife. The wife of the man he had sex with only last night. "She's with the old lady next door. I asked her to watch her for a little while so I could come talk to you."

"Me?" he asks. "About what?"

"Did Steve tell you he talked to me last night?"

Javier's stomach drops and his lungs constrict. "No he didn't. What did you guys talk about?"

"I think you know." Javier's silent. He can feel his face burning up and his hands sweating. He wanted to get out of this situation terribly, but Steve wouldn't be back for at least another six hours and it's not like he could just leave. "Can I come in?"

He tries to say no. He already felt guilty enough and whatever she was going to say to him would only make him feel worse. He may as well just put a gun to his head as soon as she leaves. He steps away from the doorway and says, "Okay."

They sit in an uncomfortable silence at his dining table for a long time. Neither of them have said a word or even looked at each other. The air is extremely tense making Javier just want to disappear. He can already feel the build up of tears behind his eyes with the thoughts of all the horrible things she's going to say to him. He hopes she calls him every slur in the book and punches his face until he blacks out. After all, he deserves it. He took her husband away from her. She lets out a deep sigh. "Listen Javier-"

"I'm sorry," he blurts out. His voice is trembling already. "I'm so sorry. I know I'm a bad person. I didn't mean to tear your family apart. I didn't mean to fall in love with your husband. I just couldn't fucking stop, and he wouldn't leave it alone. He wouldn't stop when I gave him all the reasons why I had to say no. He said they didn't matter and I believed him. I'm so sorry I believed him. Your family matters. It's your family and Steve's a part of that. I just tore him away and kept him all to myself. It was easy just keeping it locked all away in my head. I could deal. I could live through that. But then he kissed me. He fucking kissed me, and I couldn't let it go. I'm so sorry Connie. It's all my fault. It's all my fault because I love him. I love him too fucking much." Tears stream down his face as he takes a shuddering breath when he's done talking. He can't look at her. He can't see the hate and disgust in her eyes. It really is all his fault.

He buries his face in his hands as he cries with all the guilt he's harboring. He never wanted this. He told Steve not to put his life at risk for him, and the bastard did it anyway. He doesn't stop crying when arms wrap around his shoulders and hug him tight. He doesn't stop crying when a hand brushes repeatedly through his hair. He doesn't stop crying when Connie tells him it's alright and that none of it is his fault. She smells like roses and soaps you find in hospital bathrooms. It's completely different from the amber and bergamot of Steve but seems to calm him anyway. She's rubbing a hand over his back when he finally calms down enough to pull away from her. "I didn't come here to yell at you," she says. 

Javier furrows his brows as he wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. “I don’t...?”

She smiles sadly at him and rubs at his shoulders. “Steve and I have not been doing good lately. Even before Colombia we were drifting apart. I think we both knew that the day would come when we’d part ways. Of course I’m sad and upset, but I’m not heartbroken. Not a single thought has crossed my mind that it was you who broke us apart. We were already walking on thin ice. I bought two plane tickets about a month ago for Olivia and I. I’d been waiting to talk to Steve about leaving Colombia, about leaving him, but he was already on the same page I suppose.”

Javier feels like his brain is short circuiting. “I don’t understand.”

“You guys had sex last night.”

Javier blushes. “He told you that?”

She laughs loudly. “God no, but I know what my husband sounds like when he has an orgasm. Did you forget I live right above you?”

Javier’s blush deepens. “Of course not but....you heard? I’m so sorry. I didn’t even know we were being loud.” 

“He never told me it was you. Never gave me a name even. When he came to talk to me last night he told me that he’d found someone that had him hooked. He said he couldn’t stop thinking about them and that every night when he closed his eyes all he could see was their face and hear their voice. He said his heart never ached as bad as it did for this person and that he knew he’d never be able to get over them if they ever parted. He said he felt an overwhelming joy and a deeply rooted love whenever they entered the room. I’ve never seen Steve so happy talking about something before. His eyes were so lit up. He hasn’t looked like that in years.”

Javier couldn’t help the second wave of tears that threatened to seep through his walls. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want it to happen this way. I never even thought it would.”

“You keep apologizing, and you don’t need to. Steve loves you more than he ever loved me. More than he ever loved Olivia. I can see it written all over his face. He changed the day he met you. He changed for the better. Javier I came here to say thank you, to reassure you that you don’t need to feel guilt. You stole nothing from me. You ruined nothing. Steve and I were already breaking apart. You just gave him a reason to love again and gave me a reason to move on. You helped us. Stop being sorry. No one here is mad at you. No one hates you.”

"I hate me," he says quietly. One of her hands come up to cup his cheek. The touch is soft and smooth unlike the callousness of Steve's hands. 

"Listen to me Javier. I know my husband better than anyone else in this universe. I've known for a while now that there was something unspoken between you two. I saw the way you looked at him and the way he looked at you. It pained me to see you two together. To see all the pining. I could tell you were hurting so bad and being near him made it worse. Steve's never smiled so much or acted as nervous around someone as he does with you. I can see how much you're both in love with each other. I can feel it. It's stronger than anything Steve and I ever had, and you shouldn't hate yourself for loving someone. We still love each other, we always will, but his path leads to you now and mine to Olivia. Please just walk down it with him. Take care of him."

Javier nods his head quickly, wiping a stray tear on the side of his nose, and smiles at her. "Okay. I can do that. I promise."

Connie embraces him again in another tight hug that they hold for a long time. Javier eventually gets himself under control, finally believes everything going on around him, and accepts that Connie isn't angry with him. She doesn't hate him. She's hugging him and almost thanking him. Javier didn't ruin anything but himself through this whole situation. Connie and Steve were already lost in where they were going. He just helped them find their way again. "Don't beat yourself up about this. Everything is fine," she says to him. One of her hands comes around to his neck where she presses her thumb firmly. "And if you want to know, this spot," she presses her thumb against Javier's neck again, "drives Steve absolutely mad. You can tip him over without even touching him."

Javier laughs quietly with a soft flush in his face. "I'll have to remember that then. Thank you Connie."

She nods at him. "Olivia and I are going to move back to Miami in a few weeks. We'll start handling the divorce papers then. He's all yours now."

She leaves shortly after with a quiet goodbye and a small smile. Javier sits at his dining room table for a long time just staring at the wall. He still feels guilt, nothing will make that go away, but it's lesser than it had been before. His heart isn't as heavy and the pit in his stomach has seemed to disappear. He feels lighter, like everything's going to be okay now, and takes a deep breath. Steve's pager buzzes at work.

Javier's sitting quietly on the couch when Steve hurriedly walks through the door. He made it back to the apartment in five minutes when it should've taken ten. "Hey, are you okay?" His voice wavers slightly, and his face is pulled in worry as he approaches Javier. "Did something happen?" He squats in front of Javier, placing his hands on the sides of his face, and leans in to kiss him. Javier turns his head away from him. Steve frowns. "What's wrong Jav?"

"Connie stopped by a little bit ago."

Javier notes the obvious change in Steve's expression from worried to nervous. His hands come down to squeeze the sides of his thighs with his thumbs smoothing across the material of his sweatpants. "What did she want?"

"Were you going to tell me you talked to her?" 

"I never told her it was you. I kept your name out of it. I was going to talk to you when I got home later. You were sleeping last night, and I didn't want to wake you. There wasn't enough time this morning either." He can feel Steve's hands shaking against his thighs in a nervousness Javier can't understand. Does he think he's mad at him?

Javier covers Steve's hands with his own and squeezes them tightly. "She already knew it was me. Basically said we act like lovesick puppies around each other and that it was obvious."

"What else did she say? Was it anything...?"

"Bad? No. I started crying I thought she was going to tear me a new one." Steve huffs out a small laugh. "She said she understands, she's happy that we're in love, and that this was the right time for you to part ways. She told me to stop being mad at myself." 

He nods his head slowly. "So, we're all good then?"

"Yeah. Everything's perfect." Steve tries to kiss him again and Javier lets him. Their hands cup each other's cheeks and their lips move sweetly together. Javier feels warm with the taste of coffee on his lips and the smell of bergamot in his nose. Steve's mustache tickles the bottom of his nose and his fingers gently curl into his hair. This was where he belonged. Under Steve's touch and bathed in all the senses of him. Steve was his keeper, and he'd risked everything he'd already built just for him. 

His love is Steve Murphy.

And Javier Peña never wants to stop falling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am SO SORRY if the whole spit in my mouth or the entire cum scene made you uncomfortable. it's an indulgence of mine that i know not everyone likes please don't attack me for it
> 
> i hope you enjoyed this work<3 :)

**Author's Note:**

> oh god i got really sad writing this i'm so sorry 
> 
> i'm sad so this is sad


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